Why You Need to Find Your People

Let’s talk about other people today. Sometimes those who desire to help us the most feel like the greatest obstacle to our healing. Relationships are not easy on a good day, with a stable mind, forget when you are battling for your mental health.

While our relationships do add a whole new level of complexity to our healing journey, we cannot let them be an excuse to quit trying. Problems arise most frequently when we put wrong expectations on each other. We expect our friends or family members to say and do the right things to make us feel better, and they expect us to snap out of our “funk” and be happy already.

Your healing is your responsibility, nobody else’s. It’s also your business, and nobody else’s. It’s important that we don’t expect anyone else to be our answer, but it’s equally as important that we don’t allow ignorant voices to judge our journey.

My now husband dumped me, remember, back when we were dating, because he couldn’t handle the “weirdness” as he called it. He didn’t understand the thoughts going through my mind or how they caused me to do the things that they did.

I went to stay with my parents for a month after that, because I had decided to get off of my medication. I recognized that nobody would love me as unconditionally or be as invested in my healing as my family.

I really encourage you to find yourself a family. It may not actually be your blood relatives. But find someone that really truly loves you and wants to see you well in the same way that you feel the Lord leading you to be well. (If you’re not sure where to start, we have a great Facebook community that we would love to have you join).

If, like me, you feel the Lord leading you to get off your medication, but your friends are all telling you to stay on your meds, you will need to separate from those friends for a season. Find someone, even one person, who will stand in agreement with you and fight for you in prayer.

The journey to total freedom is not an easy one, but it’s simple. You have to seek relationship with Jesus above every other relationship, and you have to endure the process. Basically, you can’t quit until you win. God gave us people to walk arm in arm with us on the journey to know God more.

There are things to be done along the way, and I have shared many steps to renewing your mind and healing your body (check out The 5 Steps to a Brand New You), but at the end of the day if you do not persevere long enough you will not reach your freedom. Who you surround yourself with will absolutely affect whether or not you can and do persevere long enough.

Moving home, I knew I would have accountability, and real love and support, even if they didn’t necessarily understand the struggle. Staying in my college dorm while trying to get off of my medication would have left me highly vulnerable in a highly tempting environment.

What does that look like for you? Do you need to get away for a week and find a hotel room alone where you can immerse yourself in the word of God? Maybe you need to schedule an hour a day in your car to listen to preaching podcasts and fill yourself up with good teaching. You will most likely need to stay away from certain friend circles for a season.

It’s time to fill your calendar with “date night with Jesus” ideas. You wouldn’t expect a healthy marriage, or a thriving friendship with a spouse, or friend you only see or talk to every 3 months. You cannot expect to have your life rocked by Jesus’ healing power if you’re only with him once in a while. It’s His presence that changes us.

As I began pressing in to relationship with him I was in a state of desperation. I needed a fix regularly, and I had determined that Jesus would be that fix instead of medication, cutting, or diet pop. I needed Him literally from moment to moment. I thought this would change as I got healthier. Surely I wouldn’t need Him quite as often, or as desperately.

Friends, that’s not true. The deeper I go in relationship with Jesus the more I need Him like I’ve never needed Him before. And I love it. I have fallen crazy-in-love with my Savior, and it’s that love that is constantly transforming my life.

It’s the greatest gift, time with Jesus, and once you’ve tasted how good life can be in His presence, you won’t want to be anywhere else. His presence holds everything you need.

The fear of the LORD leads to life, So that one may sleep satisfied, untouched by evil. – Proverbs 19:23

He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He will also hear their cry and will save them. – Psalm 145:19

A well-renowned speaker, that I respect highly, once said it this way,

“To fear the Lord is not to fear being in His presence, but to be terrified of being anywhere else.”

While we were apart Jordan and I both sought the Lord in a way we never had before. I was seeking to know Jesus as my Healer and to allow Him to make me the woman He had created me to be, whole, healthy, and loved. Jordan sought the Lord regarding who his future wife was supposed to be. Without even knowing it, he was praying for me the entire time we were separated.

After 9 months of intentionally seeking the Lord Jordan and I got back together. He was happy to learn, on our second first-date, that I had gone off my medication, but I made sure to let him know that I was still very much actively fighting against some struggles.

Jordan and I both had a peace about dating again and he committed to doing his best to support me as I continued to get stronger. There were days when I would have to stop him mid sentence and simply ask him to pray for me because I was really struggling against my thoughts.

There were even times after we were married that I would have a nervous breakdown and end up a weeping pile on the floor because none of my clothes fit, I couldn’t silence the voices in my head, or I was an emotional wreck and had no idea why. I was far from “over it”, but I was in a process of transformation, each day becoming less and less the broken girl I used to be.

The thing that made it work for Jordan and I was not how supportive, and nurturing he was, because that wasn’t the case. Yes he would pray for me when I asked him to, but he still didn’t understand what I was fighting or how to appropriately help me. What made it work for us is the fact that Jordan would steer me to Jesus when neither of us knew what else to do.

I definitely wished Jordan was more sympathetic at times. I wanted him to feel a little bit sorry for me. But I continually had to remind myself that Jordan was not the answer to my healing, Jesus was. Looking back now, I am so grateful for Jordan’s lack of sympathy as I know it would have only enabled the illness.

I needed Jesus, because not even my husband could be what I needed in that season. Jordan needed Jesus because he was married to a wife that he couldn’t relate to. We needed each other to remind us that we both needed Jesus. It was a challenging season, but it matured us in our faith and in our marriage.

Our marriage vows were tested even before they were spoken. We knew “in sickness” and “for worse” before we ever knew “in health” and “for better”. I learned that love wasn’t a hero to sweep me off my feet and whisk me away to happily-ever-after. Real love is a man who is man enough to admit he isn’t a Savior, and who will point his bride to the One Who Is.

It may not be a spouse for you, but find someone who will lovingly point you back to Jesus. Your spouse, friends, or family will not be the ones to carry you into freedom, but they should not be allowed to derail your progress either. If they are discouraging any part of your process they are toxic for you. If they can behave in a supportive manner, still remember, they are just “support persons”, only Jesus can be your Savior.

If you are surrounded by toxic relationships with people more unhealthy than you, guess what, this is your season to learn all about boundaries. It’s time to create space between you and anyone that isn’t moving in the same direction as you. That doesn’t mean you have to cut them out of your life forever (unless there’s abuse, in that case, get some serious distance, permanently), but you may have to let them know that you’re doing some healing, and need some space.

You and I have to determine which thought patterns we are going to leave behind and which newer, healthier, scripturally-sound ones we are going to implement to bring us to a place of peace. Anyone that would oppose the Truths you are choosing to believe is a threat to your healing. If that person is your spouse, then I would encourage you to sit down and have a detailed conversation about what you are choosing to believe, and ask that they respect that, either by remaining silent or getting on board.

Let them know that you release them from the responsibility of your happiness, but that means you need them to let you pursue deeper relationship with Jesus.

It’s ok to share honestly how you’re feeling with someone you trust, but don’t expect them to have the answers or to make anything better. Make space for God to do that. Make quiet time with the Lord a priority so that you can read the word without distractions, inviting the Holy Spirit to teach you what you’re reading, and then spend time listening.

When you have finished your reading, practice being still and listen for what He will speak within you. That is where you will find your unique strategies to fight, your strength to endure, your love and acceptance, and the Lord will reveal to you your true identity, the way he sees you.

Therefore do not worry or be anxious (perpetually uneasy, distracted), saying, ‘What are we going to eat?’ or ‘What are we going to drink?’ or ‘What are we going to wear?’ For the [pagan] Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; [but do not worry,] for your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But first and most importantly seek (aim at, strive after) His kingdom and His righteousness [His way of doing and being right—the attitude and character of God], and all these things will be given to you also. – Matthew 6:31-33

P.S. If some or a lot of what you’ve read is new to you, or you’re not sure what to make of it, head over to my Books & Resources for some of the teaching resources that have taught me on my journey to live by faith.

#depression #people #relationships